Top Chef: Noteable Bravo-Blog Quotes

Anthony Bourdain:

While former rodeo clowns constitute a major part of MY show's demographic (they like to watch on satellite from their meth labs), I don't really know what they were doing in the semi-finals of a cooking competition. It was confusing. Not just to me -- but to the contestants. Were these REAL cowboys? Or post-ironic cowboys?

Given the dearth of suitable English adjectives in the mountains of Andorra (a country you probably haven't even heard of), from whence Ripert hails, I hope he won't mind if I translate his comments: "Dry elk shank ... horseradish ... sour cream ... bourbon ... red wine, balsamic vinegar, garlic, cherries, sage butter ... and now you want me to choose between overwhelming blue cheeses? What the **** is THAT about?!"

Tom Colicchio:

Sadly, all the funny shtick in the world couldn’t save the dish. Nor could the mystifying blue cheese options -- the dish didn’t need a pungent Roquefort or Gorgonzola to finish it, and leaving the choice of cheese to the guest seemed wishy-washy and inconclusive.

Ted Allen:

(An aside: Dale, does your mother need the Brokeback Mountain visual of you sleeping with “a few” cowboys? And how many is “a few?” Bad gay chef!)

Rocco DiSpirito:

I’m not sure if this episode of Top Chef reminded me of the Marx Brothers film Go West, Jim Carrey’s Dumb and Dumber, or Billy Crystal’s City Slickers. Whatever, it might as well have been set in Dead Man’s Gulch. Between the bales of hay, cowboy hats, and chaps, you might have confused the Aspen scenery with the back lot of MGM studios. All that was missing was Jim Carrey riding up on his mini bike or Jack Palance to start doing push-ups, and casting would have been complete.

Even [Eric Ripert] had the bemused look of “oh la la, ridiculous” when he walked away from the TCCs saying, “Good luck. You’re going to need it.” I had this image of Tom, Eric, Gail, and Padma all sitting in director’s chairs, cross-legged, sipping espresso as they watched our poor TCCs toil away.

Brian starts the Cirque de Ho-down off by burning sage, presumably to drive out the negative energy left behind by...the donkeys?

Perhaps if you were to wrap the elk in bacon and lard it with bacon and serve it with bacon bits and a thick butter sauce for good measure it might not taste like warmed cardboard.

Post note: For those of you who adore chefly humor, please laugh at the latest maniacal delusions of Bourdain and Ruhlman.

Top Chef: Noteable Bravo Blog Quotes

Anthony Bourdain:

...the Trial of The Chicken is traditionally seen as a near religious passage, a station of the cross, an early task on the One True Path to chefdom. Just as it is widely believed that "you can tell everything you need to know about a cook by how he makes an omelet", the cooking of a simple chicken makes an open book of whoever prepared it.

I don't care how fine Brian's “Sausage Shepherd's Pie (with Chicken)” tasted. Let's assume it was indeed, delicious. Spectacularly so. I would argue that it was an effort more redolent of chickenshit than actual chicken.

Ted Allen:

Let’s put aside Top Chef’s decision to portray him as the sweet, lovable gay guy. Dale has capital-B balls.

Rocco DiSpirito:

At the Judge’s Table [Sara] tried to tell some story about how she is reserved. Yeah, like a banjo at a square dance.

[Dale] said something about how you could tell who got laid the night before by their food. If that is true, I would hate to know what happened to him the night before this challenge when he decided to do a duet of two things, neither of which tasted good.

Top Chef: The Final Four

I've put off writing about last Wednesday's Top Chef episode because, honestly, I didn't have much to say. The episode was, as Bourdain expressed, a true test of culinary aptitude, lacking the typical brand-name dropping of episodes previous, and lacking the subsequent bizarre tests designed to challenge the chef's ability to cook in odd situations with odd requirements. Both challenges were simple in nature, and allowed the chefs the chance to express their technical skill and their ability to put together a wonderful meal.

Of all the chefs, only one failed both tests, and that was Sara M. Sara managed to fail both challenges on the same note - a note of technical skill so basic it is perhaps one of the top three essential skills in a kitchen: cook your meat thoroughly. Now, Sara is unique in that she's a cheese maker. But, in any kitchen, the last thing you can do is serve undercooked meat, especially chicken. And rather than be horrified that even one piece of her chicken was undercooked, Sara remained defiant. Didn't she try to once save Howie from the same predicament? Perhaps someone needs to teach her about the terror of salmonella poisoning before she returns to cooking proteins. Despite all that, I rather liked Sara M. from the start. Unfortunately, I watched her show her lack of skill in the last few episodes, and I knew she would soon be one of the next to go home. I believe she needs to stick to what she loves to do - that is, make cheese - rather than branch farther out of her league than she is prepared for.

Besides that, I really don't have words to lend to this episode. For once, it truly lacked drama and spoke about the food. We can only hope the finale will provide us more of that... but alas, we know that product placement will win the day.

Top Chef: Noteable Bravo-Blog Quotes

Tom Colicchio:

Bourdain called [Sara's salmon] 'cat food' (the man lives for those snarky sound bytes) which, once I stopped laughing, I found a bit harsh.

The oven's dry heat somehow turned the blanched broccolini into musty, desiccated swamp vegetables punctuated by a bracing, medicinal slap of warm mint.

Gail Simmons:

From the description alone, CJ’s entire dish of Pan Seared Halibut on a bed of Toasted Farro with Mint Crème Sauce, Roasted Broccolini with Breadcrumbs and Mint Vinaigrette stopped me in my tracks. Regardless of how well or poorly he prepared it, I have two totally subjective issues with his dish. First off, each time I read its description I thought I was reading a preparation for lamb. Seriously, read it again and tell me it would not have been significantly more appealing if he has used lamb chops or lamb loin?

Rocco DiSpirito:

[Best opening blog line this week:] The road to New York City is not paved by incinerated broccolini, petrified salmon, or vulcanized lobster.

Casey’s comment about the butane burners was well founded; these are normally reserved for lost cause scenarios. They aren’t hot, the flame goes out constantly, and the butane cassette runs out of fuel in 20 minutes. Frankly, a Bic lighter would have been just as practical.

So we learn that the finale is headed to Aspen after NYC. Hmm, a challenge where the TCCs have to cook for cougars using twigs and a mirror?

Lee Anne Wong:

Denial is the first, second, and last stage for [Hung] apparently, and the camera doesn’t lie.

So the big tree and his testicle fell down in the Top Chef forest with a hard thump (did anyone hear a sound?)

Anthony Bourdain:

Most other carriers -- one American outfit in particular -- blithely carry on operating vomit comets -- contemptuously depositing their indifferently prepared droppings on passengers' trays knowing that the only reason people are eating their crap is to break up the stultifying boredom of the pressurized cabin and the inevitability of yet another Will Ferrell film on the main screen.

My fellow passenger Collichio and I gaped, unbelieving at the blackened, twig-like, half-dry, half-sludge Petri-scrapings in our side dishes. I believe I said something like, "This looks like something you'd find in Bob Marley's closet." I meant NOW -- like years and years after the great man's death. Not trusting our eyes, we even saved a portion, putting some in one of the "Glad Family of Bags" -- only reinforcing the impression of dried out ganja. But by judging time, when we had planned on offering the exhibit into evidence, it had degraded so badly as to be so prejudicial that it would outweigh any probative value.

If you've ever been on an ouzo bender and woken up the next day with your head in a bidet, burping up licorice? That was pretty much my in-flight meal on Air Sara.

...it felt like Brian was holding up a sign saying "All You Can Eat Jumbo Shrimp" and expecting us all to get insta-boners.

Top Chef: Newark ≠ New York

My anticipation for this episode was mostly centered around the fact that Bourdain was a guest judge again. If you're a follower of the show and haven't read his blog entry about this one, go read it. It reveals some interesting things about the Elimination Challenge dishes that were not included in the TV Edit.

Once again, Hung displayed his absolute lack of respect for the kitchen environment during the QuickFire Challenge. We've repeatedly seen Hung create kitchen hazards, and then shrugging them off apathetically. This isn't to say I approve of the tattle-tale attitude last night; the spill of a single bottle of truffle oil and two peppers did not ruin the kitchen (and someone obviously had cleaned up the glass by the time Casey slipped on the oil.) But his carelessness makes me wonder how Hung ever would last more than one night on a real kitchen's payroll. My only guess is that this proverbial "bull in a china shop" is only this dangerous in the Top Chef kitchens, a behavior brought on by the lack of time and the "me first" attitude prevalent in the competition. I'm still positive, though, that if Hung were employed in my kitchen, he would have the unusual distinction among the staff of having weekends off.

And there's another thing about Hung, who is beginning to turn into the social ghost of his friend Marcel from Season Two, is the echoing resentment that he's not a "team player." Some of you may have thought, as I did initially, that Hung's comment about not helping CJ because he wasn't asked for help was a poor justification of selfish behavior. Once I thought it over, though, I realized that Hung was right. A kitchen needs to communicate constantly to be effective. Just like in any relationship, if you don't tell your partner that something is wrong, they cannot magically know or assume that there is. Oh sure, being proactive in helping is definitely charitable (although I don't recall anyone ever asking Howie if he needed help in the half-dozen episodes that he was clearly struggling in.) But it shouldn't be expected, and no judge is going to hang a contestant because they didn't do something they weren't even asked to do, especially in a kitchen where you're supposed to be carrying your own weight.

I was also impressed by the sudden growth of maturity among the chefs last night. While I hate to point a finger at the newly-departed Howie, it's clear that a visible weight has been lifted from the shoulders of the remaining chefs. Although I'm sure they were feeling relieved, they are hopefully realizing one major downside: they no longer have a scapegoat. I think Sara was the first to realize that, as she had to begrudgingly accept that her Elimination Challenge presentation was, indeed, a poor offering unaffected by anyone else's actions or attitudes.

So what about the food? For the QuickFire, I thought Hung's inclusion of Grand Marnier in his breakfast smoothie was brilliant. Casey's breakfast "chunky salsa" looked more like a green enchilada sauce. I was amazed that Dale could complete a fritatta in 20 minutes, including prep time and a tiny two foot square kitchen. The Elimination Challenge presented some really good looking food, although many were off the mark. Sara's choice of salmon for an oven-plane warmed dish showed a lack of forethought, given that salmon is easily one of the most quickly overcooked and dried out fish. CJ's dish - which looked appetizing enough, sans the broccolini - sounded like a good dish, but I was horrified to hear from Bourdain that the mint sauce (which went unmentioned) tasted like toothpaste. Aside from those two dishes, I would have happily eaten anything else, except the failed super-sized surf and turfs.

CJ's departure is only a little sad. He's a great guy, but I think - like most chefs on this program - he is honestly just an under-experienced chef. These contestants are young; they have not spent years in a kitchen. They will continue to grow their talent if they strive to do so. I think CJ has a great future in the culinary world. CJ predicts in his exit video that Casey will win. I can agree that she's definitely in the top four; if she falls away before winning, I think it will be due to circumstance. She has fair competition in Hung and Dale; Brian and Sara M are going to take some luck and a true "best effort" to make it further.